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Now I see me... now I don’tI have had two experiences that, when taken separately, would not appear to have any significance. Yet, taken together, they join to create for me an example of how I see myself in my day-to-day existence that I call "my life."
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While at my desk or walking to or from the parking lot at my job, I sometimes hear asound or catch a glimpse of motion out of the corner of my eye. As often happens when my attention is caught, I turn towards the distraction and will invariably see one or more deer. You see, there is at least one herd of deer that roam through the wooded area and onto the grounds of the campus where I work. Sometimes they see me, too, and I must stand still in order to look at them. I move and they run away. I know they live around the area, but I don’t see them everyday so when I do, it is special for me and I watch them with appreciation for the accidental. |
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One time, I was walking down a busy street, in a business district near my home. I was in a hurry to get to a lecture at one of the bookstores on the street. I didn’t want to be late and I was preoccupied about who would be there, what questions I would ask and where I would sit. Before getting to the bookstore, I passed a storefront that was under renovation. Because of a certain slant of light, a reflection caught the corner of my eye. I was startled momentarily when I realized this was my own reflection. I hesitated briefly because I was struck by a sense of "me" walking — an experience of my self that had not been sensed in that same way before. The "walking" wasn’t just going on, nor was the scenery just passing. Something else was there in that moment, something which was "tasted" only because it is not normally experienced. Just as quickly, I shrugged off the experience, checked my appearance and rushed on so I wouldn’t be late.
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~Dempsey Hunt
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I stop to watch the deer and appreciated the rarity of the moment. I
don’t take them for granted because I don’t see deer often, at least not daily.
What a contrast to the experience of seeing my reflection — I rushed on about my business
despite being startled by a rare "taste" of myself. The taste was not savored
because I think I already have a real sense of myself.The belief that "I am connected to the here and now" persists
within me. My view of myself is plugged into this belief and becomes clouded. I think I
experience the "here and now" as often as I experience me. When I say
"I’m here," I don’t want to admit there is actually very little real
experience of "me" being "here." Yet I say "I’m here"
as if I speak from evidence I see all of the time. I don’t appreciate the accidental
in seeing and feeling myself because I think it happens everyday. I lose something in this
attitude.From time to time when I’m at my job, I watch for signs of the
deer, to steal a glimpse of them before they run away and move on. When I do see them, I
watch quietly for as long as I can because I know the opportunity only lasts a short
while. It is catch-as-catch-can; now you see it, now you don’t. I am connected to
the moment by wonder and appreciation. The real trick is can I approach my life, in the
same way, watching for "signs" of myself? 
